When I Stopped Talking to My Father
Dear Kindred Spirit,
Imagine this. It’s 16 years ago. I have recently done the bravest thing I’ve ever done—broken contact with my father.
This one act has given me my life, and this choice cascades into other choices I never saw coming. A week later, I walk into an AA meeting and actually get sober. A month later, I meet my now-husband and fall in love.
My life has a sense of safety I never imagined possible. I’m happy. I’m creative. I’m really living.
Three years later, my husband and I decide to move to California, because neither of us like the New England winters. He has a sense of possibility that is new to me, because he’s from India, and he knows what it’s like to live far from home.
As I’m planning the move, a close friend and mentor tells me she thinks I should tell my father I’m moving. She says it’s the least thing I could do—to let my family know where I’m living.
This is not something I was planning on doing. It hadn’t even crossed my mind, because all I can imagine is how much safer I’ll feel when he doesn’t know where I live.
Until that moment, I wasn’t conflicted about this. It felt absolutely right, but when my friend makes that suggestion, I waver. Should I talk to him?
I become highly anxious and unsure about it, because I respect and value her opinion, and what she says makes sense, right? Isn’t that the least thing you owe your family? Shouldn’t I do what she’s suggesting?
I hope you never have a situation where you need to go no-contact with a family member, but if you do, the one thing I’ve learned is that most people don’t get it.
Usually, people either assume I’m over-reacting or that I’m a total asshole. When in reality breaking contact was the most sane thing I had ever done—possibly the first rational choice of my life.
Breaking contact with family is a very unconventional choice and a hard one. Unfortunately, it’s sometimes necessary, but society is not set up to support this decision.
At that moment, my life was on a precipice. Would I bend to societal expectations? Would I make contact again? Would I lose the freedom I had gained over the past three years?
I go to my therapist to talk to her about it. She listens, and then she guides me through a process where I imagine talking to my father and telling him I’m moving. When I’m fully in the scene, she asks me to describe what’s happening in my body.
I notice that I’m in a hunched position, with my shoulders over my heart, and I feel a primal protective emotion. When I tune into my body, there is a clear, strong NO.
It’s so clear—much clearer than my mind.
Then she tells me something I had never heard before. “Your body knows things before your mind does.”
This was a significant moment of awakening for me. My body actually knew it wasn’t right to contact my father for any reason whatsoever. My body was sure, even as my mind was unsure. I had no idea my body could know things!
I settle into this feeling. It feels clean, clear, and wholly true.
I don’t make contact. I move to California with my freedom.
I also take the opportunity to let go of that friendship. She was acting from her beliefs, and I get that. The problem was, she didn’t understand my situation, and in her lack of understanding she expected me to follow rules that made sense for her but were dangerous for me.
She had a tough time with her family growing up, too, but she was able to make amends and heal those relationships. She expected me to walk that same path. But my situation was different, and I needed to not compromise my life to accommodate her rules.
Kindred spirit, I’m telling you this story, because the folks who gather in this newsletter are unconventional women.
We’re folks who make decisions that don’t always make sense to other people, but these same decisions can be the ones that create the most freedom in our lives.
These choices matter.
The question is, who are you listening to?
My best hope is that you listen to the call of your own heart and soul. It’s not always easy, but I’ve found it’s always worth it.
Love,
Emma
Hi, I’m Emma Basu. I’m a writer, tarot card reader, and book lover. My soul’s work is to help you find clarity amongst the chaos, meaning in the mundane, and purpose in your life’s winding journey.
Disclaimer: This blog is a resource guide for educational and informational purposes only and should not take the place of hiring a life coach, a therapist, or of seeking medical attention. No information on this blog creates a coach-client relationship between us. You are fully responsible for the decisions and actions you take in regard to your life and affairs.