When Everything Looks Right but Feels Wrong
Dear Kindred Spirit,
In the Wondrous Liminal Book Club, we’ve been reading A Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers.
At the beginning, Dex, a garden monk, feels disenchanted with their life, their city, and their vocation.
Although they look around and see clearly that nothing is really wrong—and that there are so many beautiful things in their city—there is still something they crave.
And so, in the middle of their life, they change their mind about their vocation and choose a new one: traveling tea monk.
At the end of the first chapter, they do what they’ve wanted to do since line one of the book—get the fuck out of the city.
Rereading Psalm has me remembering a time in my life when everything looked right on the outside but felt so wrong on the inside.
This was when I built a career as an IT database manager and project manager for a public university foundation.
It was a good career. I made enough money. There was opportunity for growth. I felt proud of my work and the problems I was solving. I was an expert on my team. All of those things were good.
But on the inside, my soul was parched, yearning for something more.
And that is a good enough reason to make a change.
Nowadays I know that. Back then, I didn’t. I struggled with self-doubt and spent a few years trying to convince myself to love what I was doing.
Looking back, a big red flag was that, at the age of 34, I couldn’t stop thinking about retirement.
The thing that finally shifted for me was a trip my husband and I took to California in February of 2013.
We lived in New Hampshire, and if you’re unfamiliar with that part of the world, February is the hardest month of winter. It has been so dark for so long. The landscape is a series of grays and muted browns. And it is freezing.
When we arrived in San Francisco, I was shocked by all the color. The green! The flowers! The bright blue ocean! And everyone was walking around in light cardigans, smiling like they didn’t have a care in the world.
I don’t know why, but as I saw those smiling faces, I realized for the first time that the life we were living was a choice. Until then, I believed I absolutely had to keep my job and live in New Hampshire. I didn’t see it as a choice. I didn’t know I could change my mind.
But seeing those people up close, I realized I could actually be one of them. Why not me? Why was I chained to long, cold New England winters, where I suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder for six months out of the year?
And that’s what we did. The following November, we packed our bags, drove to California, and started a new life.
A photo I took while hiking in California
And though I brought with me all of my literal and figurative baggage, and though I was deeply homesick for over a year, and though there have been rocky roads and learning curves ever since—I am so glad I am living this story instead of the one I would’ve been living had I stayed. I had lived that story long enough to know how it would end.
So I’m curious—are you living a story right now that no longer feels right? Can you see where it’s leading, and feel that you don’t want to go there?
Staying because things look right to everyone else is not a good enough reason. It just isn’t.
People may react with shock, but they adjust. They always do. Their reactions are their business, not yours.
Your well-being matters. You matter. For real.
And yes—money matters too. Stability matters. I’m not suggesting reckless decisions that put you in harm’s way.
But an enjoyable life is built through honest decisions, not avoidance.
If a big change isn’t available to you right now, then don’t jump to that. Make a smaller one. Shift something. Try something. Let your life start moving in a direction that actually feels like yours.
And sometimes, the decision that looks small is the one that brings the biggest transformation.
You’ve got this,
—Emma
Hi, I’m Emma Basu. I’m a writer, tarot card reader, and book lover. My soul’s work is to help you find clarity amongst the chaos, meaning in the mundane, and purpose in your life’s winding journey.
Disclaimer: This blog is a resource guide for educational and informational purposes only and should not take the place of hiring a life coach, a therapist, or of seeking medical attention. No information on this blog creates a coach-client relationship between us. You are fully responsible for the decisions and actions you take in regard to your life and affairs.